I started this new chapter of solo parenting about 6 months ago. I promised myself that I would be leaving a relationship that had run its course but I wouldn't be taking any bad memories just the good memories which were many. Im very grateful to Luke for the past 18 years and gifting me the best gift of all, our kids; Kobe and Dylan.
Back in October last year, after a week or so Luke and I started letting our friends and family know we were separated. It was the hardest decision, there was a lot of guilt about everyones expectations but ultimately we have one life to live and its may well be a happy one. I chose to let close friends and family know over text mostly (this was easier for me so I didnt have to face anyone face to face until I felt ready to talk about it). Some in person and the rest I let know over Instagram (so classy lol).
The boys will always be our number one concern. And both have thrived since the separation learning their own independence and also taking leaps and bounds academically. I was worried the opposite would happen but not at all. It definitely helps Luke and I are on talking terms and aren't slagging off the other one to our children.
I have bounced between many stages during this separation process
1. Shock; Is this really happening? Did I just give up on my relationship?
2. Guilt; I sat in this stage far too long I think and I still have flashes of guilt. Did I try hard enough to make things work? Did I let everyone down? There were definately many days where I really wanted to wallow in self pity and stay in bed all day long but I found the inner strength to get up thanks to my little cherubs telling me to "get up" lol. I chose being a present mother instead of a broken mother.
3. Acceptance; I am a single parent. I know my worth. I am strong enough to be the main carer for my children. Once this clicked. I wrote my "to do list of things I had to tie up" (like a shared parenting plan and house plans) and wrote future plans (moving house and study/work plans/therapy for Kobe etc).
4. Anger; This horrible feeling comes up fleetingly occasionally as I come to terms I chose the harder path on raising my kids as the primary carer. Mainly when the kids are sick and aren't sleeping or I think about starting again careerwise whilst Luke's career has gone strength to strength. Again this was the choice that we made and I will live with it. I don't ever want to be bitter, its such a wasted emotion (this really hit home after talking to a few separated parents and they were still bitter with their ex/circumstance many many years down the track?!?). I on the other hand am going to own my failures and grow from it. There were times I definitely vented to friends about how hard I was finding certain things but I tried not to linger on it too long. I don't want separation to define me.
5. Worry; I worry about the future, about making sure the boys don't go without but also grow up to be resilient happy children. As we come to the final stages of separation and tying up the financials it has been overwhelming but there is light at the end of the tunnel and I need to keep going.
Overall my wishes is that Luke and I will co-parent on friendly terms and the boys getting quality time with their dad and me embracing me time.
I will be sharing a blog post in future about where to go to for help when separating as it is a very overwhelming process. One thing I can't stress enough is to have a core group of support whether that be family, friends etc.
Happy Friday!!
Grace
